I’ll keep coming here again and again. It doesn’t matter how down I might feel. It doesn’t matter how real the misery and hopelessness I feel seems to me. I know I’ll come here anyway. I don’t come here for any particular reason. There are many reasons I find as I keep going but they weren’t always there. I still remember when I started doing this. It was like a way to meditate myself into a new belief. Into a way of thinking that was more favorable for me. I didn’t like the constant voice of doubt and worry. Always thinking that I’m not enough. Always thinking about the future and where I ought to be. I just wanted to be here. The only way I found out how to do that early on was by forcing myself beyond my point of comfort. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. That was the first step to be able to walk out of the hole I was stuck in. I had to be ok walking without a light. Not knowing where I was going but to just keep going.
I had to learn how to move without needing all the answers first. It was a foreign concept to me at the time—trusting the process when I couldn’t see where it was leading. But what was the alternative? Stay stuck? Let the weight of uncertainty pin me down until I suffocated under it? No, that wasn’t an option. So, I walked. I trained. I wrote. I pushed myself forward even when it felt pointless.
And eventually, the fear of the unknown became something else entirely. It became fuel. The doubt? It didn’t go away, not completely, but it lost its grip on me. I realized that doubt is just a thought, just another voice trying to test me. I didn’t have to obey it. I didn’t have to stop when it told me to. I had the choice to act in spite of it, to keep going regardless of whether or not it made sense in the moment.
That’s why I’m here again. That’s why I’ll always be here. Not because I have to be, but because I choose to be. Because I know now that this is where I grow, where I refine myself. Every step forward is another nail in the coffin of who I used to be—the one who was too afraid to move, too afraid to try, too afraid to trust himself. I won’t be that person again. I refuse.
And so, I keep coming back. Again and again.I’m
