Just living seems to be not enough for me. I wish it was but it’s not. Something else calls to me and tells me to reach for more. The problem is that every time I reach for more I risk failure. So far every time failure was an option, it’s the card I was dealt. It’s been very discouraging thus far, but I haven’t given up completely yet. I need to find a happy medium then. Some way that I can enjoy my day but still know I’m reaching for more. I need to accept all the bad that happens to me. Not in a nihilistic way though, that’s how I’ve been doing it so far. It works to not care about it but then it leads to me not caring about anything. I need to care about myself and what I see myself getting in life. Or else who will make sure I get it? So many needs and not enough means. That’s been the story of my life up to now. Let’s see if things start to change.
Something else calls to me and tells me to reach for more. The problem is that every time I reach for more, I risk failure. So far, every time failure was an option, it’s the card I was dealt. It’s been very discouraging thus far, but I haven’t given up completely yet.
I need to find a happy medium then. Some way that I can enjoy my day but still know I’m reaching for more. I need to accept all the bad that happens to me. Not in a nihilistic way though—that’s how I’ve been doing it so far. It works to not care about it, but then it leads to me not caring about anything. I need to care about myself and what I see myself getting in life. Or else, who will make sure I get it? So many needs and not enough means. That’s been the story of my life up to now. Let’s see if things start to change.
But change isn’t something that just happens. It has to be forced, shaped, and sometimes even dragged into existence. If I sit around waiting for it, I’ll be waiting forever. And that’s not an option anymore. I need to start becoming someone who commands their own fate instead of hoping that fate will finally be kind to them.
There’s something to be said about persistence. Even when everything has gone wrong, even when I’ve been dealt the worst hand time and time again, I’m still here. I’m still thinking about how to move forward, still refusing to sink completely. That has to count for something. Maybe that’s what I should focus on—not the failures, but the fact that I keep standing up after each one.
It’s easy to think that life is just a series of disappointments, but maybe that’s the wrong way to see it. Maybe every loss, every failure, every setback is just a test, a way to see if I really want the things I say I do. If that’s the case, then I need to prove it—not to the world, not to anyone else, but to myself. Because if I can prove it to myself, then nothing else matters. And if I keep going, keep finding a way, then eventually, things have to turn in my favor.
