“Trapped in a simulation of self improvement.
A mental jerk off that never actually gets you off.
It is the biggest tease there is.
Solution?
Stop trying to improve yourself?
Be selfish?
I don’t know anymore…
Everything is collapsing onto itself.
There is an earthquake in my minds eye.
I struggle trying to hold it together.
Maybe I need to let it go,
see where the pieces all fall.
Then build back up from whatever is left,
whatever vision the universe has for me.
All while never losing the sense of the “self”
Forever aware, forever present.”
At times, the journey of self-improvement feels like being trapped in a simulation—an endless loop where true satisfaction remains just out of reach, a mental cycle that promises much yet delivers little. “A mental jerk off that never actually gets you off. It is the biggest tease there is.” This stark realization points to the exhaustion of chasing a version of ‘better’ that might not even exist, or if it does, constantly eludes grasp.
The question then arises: what is the solution? Is it to stop striving for personal growth, to embrace a form of selfishness, or to abandon the effort altogether? These questions hang in the air, unresolved, as everything feels like it’s collapsing onto itself. “There is an earthquake in my mind’s eye. I struggle trying to hold it together.” The very foundations of what I thought I knew about improving myself are shaken, leaving me to wonder if the path of relentless self-enhancement is nothing but a mirage.
Perhaps the true answer lies in letting go, allowing the internal structures and beliefs to crumble, to see where the pieces fall. “Maybe I need to let it go, see where the pieces all fall. Then build back up from whatever is left, whatever vision the universe has for me.” This isn’t about giving up, but rather about a surrender to the process of genuine self-discovery, stripped of the pretenses of continual self-optimization.
In this collapse and subsequent rebuilding, the essence of ‘self’ remains critical. “All while never losing the sense of the ‘self’ Forever aware, forever present.” This phrase underscores the necessity of maintaining a core identity that is both aware and present, not swayed by fleeting trends or external expectations. It’s about grounding oneself in a sense of permanence amidst the chaos, a fixed point from which to observe, learn, and eventually, rise anew.
The ultimate challenge then is not about changing to fit the world’s mold but about reshaping oneself according to a deeply personal blueprint. It is a journey not towards a superficially ‘better’ self but towards a profoundly authentic existence. This pursuit is about finding the formula to live completely as oneself, in a world that relentlessly tries to carve you into its preferred shapes and sizes. It’s about being the sculptor of your own life’s statue, chiseling away the unnecessary, preserving the essential, and occasionally, starting afresh from the rubble of what was once considered indispensable.
