Intro:
To start off I decided to go on a mini vacation to Monterey bay, (3 hours away from home), with this girl I’ve been talking to for a couple months now. I managed to get LSD the night before we left. When we got there we took a walk around the beach to see what our views would be like before we took the LSD, we also got food and ate. I even showered before hand for some reason. Finally we decided it was time to take it and it was around 2:30pm. It did not kick in until around 3ish and at the time we were out walking on the beach. It was raining a bit and somewhat cold so I said let’s go back to the hotel, mainly because I wanted to get comfortable and try having sex on this drug to see what it was like. We got back and I set up a playlist on my iPad and played the music at full blast. It starts to kick in pretty hard now, the bed feels like it’s a raft on the ocean and we are just floating along. This is when I make a move and we start to explore a brand new feeling.
Part 1: Sex on acid…
The sex was amazing, more than I could have imagined. We felt every movement, every touch, the music carrying us along on a journey. It was as If we were merging into a single being. We laid a little longer in the bed after we finished because at this point I can no longer walk straight and the walls are moving. The sunset was shining a light through the blinds that looked like a passage way to another world. I wanted to take that path so I opened the back door of the hotel we were at, to enter the garden that was just outside. Keep in mind it is raining and cold outside and I am standing out there shirtless in my pjs and sitting in a wet chair letting the rain hit my face. After a while outside I went back in because people were looking at me funny and it started to make me feel uncomfortable. I still remembered how good the water felt so i went to the shower and took a warm shower with my pjs still on and just let the water melt me away. She joined me after hearing me say how amazing the water was feeling. After a long warm shower, and a moment of us looking at our faces morphing in the mirror we dried up and went back to bed to lay down. This is when things started to take a turn for the worst.
Part 2: Untimely Confession…
Now we are laying in bed and the LSD is hitting me very hard at this point, not peaking but to the point where we can feel reality shifting. I could not shake this thought in my head that was telling me I had to tell her that I slept with another girl, the longer I kept it a secret the worse my trip started to feel.
See me and this girls weren’t dating, but we were doing couple like things. I had prefaced before that our relationship was to be purely sexual and nothing more. Though I knew that at this point she was gaining feelings that would be irreversible if not stopped.
I finally built up the courage and told her, it took me what felt like forever to get the words out but I did it and it felt like a ton was dropped off my chest. She instantly got emotional and asked questions like when and why. I said two weeks ago and I couldn’t answer the why, because there wasn’t one. After confessing, she had locked herself inside the bathroom for a minute before I convinced her to let me in to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself (though I worded it much differently). When I got in she was in the shower on the floor crying, fully clothed and with the water on. The makeup was slowly coming down her face and the acid was hitting me ridiculously hard at this point so I just saw sadness and resentment seeping out of her face and onto me. I followed her there and we both sat in the shower, I started to cry and apologized a thousand times.
I tried explaining a million different ways that I never wanted to hurt her and how I felt that she was starting to fall for me and I was responsible for her. The more I talked the worse it got and the less she wanted to see me. After crying all I could cry and telling her everything about how I am and why I hate myself I apologized one last time. I told her I was sorry I brought her here, where we have no friends or anyone close by to help, I gave her LSD and I knew we were both going to have a very bad trip at this point. I felt responsible to get myself right and make sure she is safe so I decided on getting myself out of the dark thoughts.I left her in the shower because at that moment she had to go on her own journey and see what she had to see and I had to sit with my thoughts of my actions that brought us here. I called up a friend seasoned in this endeavor, I had told him before I took the acid that if I messaged him to call me right away because that meant I was in trouble and I needed him.
Part 3: Spiraling into darkness…
I got my clothes on and went outside, I was FaceTiming my friend now and he was trying to calm me down. He asked me what happened what went wrong and I explained to him what I said to her and how we are both alone here and going to have bad trips with no one to help. He said I needed to go to a store and get some Gatorade and bubble gum because I didn’t notice yet, but my jaw was clenched. As he said that I realized how my jaw was locked and my teeth were grinding against each other. The gas station was only across the street from the hotel so I walked there and… well it was terrifying.
I felt like the whole world knew I was on acid and how vulnerable I was. It took some pep talk outside the gas station but I made it inside and grabbed the Gatorade and some bubble gum. After paying for it I realized I couldn’t open the gum because I was so damn high at this point, so I asked the clerk to open it for me. I confessed to him and another random shopper, in a moment of despair, that I took acid. The shopper laughed but I don’t think the clerk knew what it was because he looked at me like I was a crackhead. In his defense I did just ask him to open gum for me. He handed me the gum and backed up with his hands up. I yelled sorry, threw 20 dollars, and ran out the store.
I was walking back to the hotel now and started to chew the gum I just bought. It didn’t last long before I spit it out because it felt like I was choking on it. Now I was back outside the hotel but too scared to go back inside because I knew in there she was still upset at me and being in there made me feel even worse. Still on the phone with my friend now throughout all of that, I begged him to drive up to where I was. 3 hours away, because I needed someone from home to help ground me back in my reality. He was such a great friend that he was ready to make the drive to help me out, even bringing along another mutual friend of ours. Then something happened in that moment.
A car was pulling in and I was blocking their parking spot, when they got out I apologized and told them IO was on acid. They laughed but they saw I was not doing ok and one of the girls asked if I needed help and I said yes please. She walked right up to me and hugged me. Immediately they took me in open arms into their hotel and tried to calm me down any way they could. I told them that I had a girl with me that I made upset and asked the girls in the group to go check on her for me. It was 2 couples that were in this room. After talking to these people for a minute they saw I was still on the phone with my friends and I told them my friend was going to drive up here to help. They grabbed my phone and told my friend to not worry that they will take care of me. The dude gave me his number and said if I need anything to call him and he will head over and help out. At this point the girls left the room after checking on the girl I was with. They told me she was fine, that she just hated me is all. So I went back inside with her, with their number in my phone in case of an emergency.
I thought i was ok but then I started to enter hell. I felt like I was the only one in the universe completely alone and my walls were closing in, my memories of friends and family were slowly fading. At this moment was when I had the worst thought of my life, I thought that this was the end. I was going to lose my mind and never see anyone ever again. I tried to call the people I just met to come over and help me but I forgot the guys name and using my phone was almost impossible. It was like all the icons were in 3d. At the same time, with every passing minute, I was losing memory after memory of friends and family. Forgetting them and feeling nothing but an empty memory where there once was something. My only thought in that moment was that I wanted my mom so I called her and told her I took acid and I need her.
Part 4: Ambulance…
On the phone with my mom I was crying saying I need her I need her and she started to cry and got hysterical asking where I was to send her my location but using my phone was too difficult a task. Somehow I sent her my location and hung up. She had told me to call the ambulance because, well she had no idea what acid was and in her mind it may as well be crack. I couldn’t walk, I was so weak and scared so I panicked and called 911.
On the phone with them I started to hysterically say, “I need help I need help, I took acid and I’m losing my mind”. They stayed on the phone with me until they showed up and when they did I went outside in my socks stepping in the rain to talk to them… somehow walking now was not an issue. When they walked up to me they explained how they couldn’t do much for me but take me in but I would still have to ride out the high. They didn’t seem real to me, in my mind they were in on it too. They looked like spirits in this realm I was stuck in and everything they said was a question that made me question myself more.
They asked questions like, “Do you really need to go to the hospital? Can we really help you? Can you not help yourself and ride it out?”. I would think to myself, “idk idk but I don’t want to hurt myself so I guess so”.
Luckily just before I was ready to go with them the people I met earlier came outside and stopped me saying they will take care of me. I had to sign a paper and they ambulance left. They got mad at me and said why didn’t I call them but I could not explain to them that I forgot they gave me their number and I couldn’t manage to get up to walk to them. At this point they realized the danger I was really in so they decided it was best to stay with me the entire night until I came down. We went into my room and they all came with and sat with me. I told them that I called my mom and she was on her way, asked if they could call her and calm her down for me because she was pretty hysterical. They took my phone and called my mom telling her that they will watch over me until they got there to not worry, this calmed my mom down and helped me out a bit too, hearing her calm down. I still was not ok, no one seemed to realize how far gone I actually was in this moment.
Part 5: Inception hell…
The guys in the group kind of had an idea of psychedelics so they knew they had to keep my mind distracted. They asked me questions like what I was doing before it all went bad. I told them I was writing a letter to myself on my iPad and showed them. After reading it the main guy (call him Bob), who I will explain more about in a minute, was asking me questions about the things I wrote. He wanted to know where I was, like he was trying to find where I was stuck in. He noticed I had a lot of other short stories and things written on my notes and asked if he could read them too, I let him because at this point I thought anything could help.
As he was reading and underling things in my stories for me that he had questions about or thought were interesting, I started to realize something that was really about to send me down a rabbit hole. The more I looked at him the more of myself I saw in him. He did not look like a copy of me but he looked enough like me to the point where I was questioning to myself, “Is this how people see me? Is this how I look to others?”. The other thing was that he understood everything I wrote, he knew what my head space was when I wrote those things and no one ever truly understood me like that. It was at that moment where I no longer thought he was a real person, I thought this was a version of myself that was trying to help me. Once that realization hit the worst rollercoaster ride of my life began. He would ask a question about one of my writings and say, “Why did u write this?”. As I turned to look at the iPad I would morph into him and change spots with him. As I read I would go back to the moments when I wrote these things, it felt like I was being launched back and forth through time.
Part 6: All alone…
Now I was never alone anymore at this point, at least in the physical world. However, I was completely alone in my mind space that I created. After seeing myself in Bob I started to notice eerie things about the others in the room. As I would have a thought they would say what i was thinking. The more that went on the more I stopped seeing them as real people. They felt like they were a creation of my imagination in this hell where time does not exist, that I was stuck in.
Once I started to think this they stopped acting normal to me. They would talk gibberish to each other. They would stand and sit down and stand back up and change places and talk more gibberish. At the same time I was looking at them Bob would see me drifting away and snap me out of it by asking me, “Hey, why did you write this?”. I would look and see something I wrote like, “the mind the enemy”. It was like he knew that I was I was seeing everyone as my imagination and that made things worse.
This whole time I am sitting on the bed rocking back and forth stuck between feeling shivering cold and uncomfortably hot. This went on for 3 hours real time, but in my time this was going on for eternity. I honestly thought this was never going to end and I had completely lost my mind. The most terrible thoughts were going through my head at the time. I saw my life flash before my eyes, I saw my death. I thought I was never going to see my family again, my niece and godson. I started to cry because I thought what is the point of this life if I cant enjoy my godson and hug him one more time. It all just felt like death to me. Death of how In once knew and thought of myself.
While all this is going on, the absolute worst part of my trip, the people that were with me had brought their dogs in to our room because they realized they were going to be here with me for a while. One of the dogs Abby, who I will never forget, had the same facial expression as my childhood dog did when I first picked her out as a puppy. She had her ears down and a sad look in her eyes.
Jumping forward a bit, when I was coming out of the worst of it and could talk again the people explained to me that the dog Abby hates men and always barks at ones she doesn’t know. She was a rescue dog who was badly abused by her previous owners, so this made this next moment even more meaningful to me.
I was in the worst moment of my trip and I look at Abby. She looks just as scared as me and that moment was the only time I didn’t feel alone. She walked up to me and laid her head in my lap. That act saved me from spiraling further into the void. As I pet her and looked into her eyes I felt a glimpse of the real world. This dog was my guide to reality, the only thing I had to keep me sane in that moment. Her comforting me slowly took me out of the hell I put myself in and I could talk a bit more now. I was asking Bob and his friends to tell me stories to keep me distracted and they went on and on and slowly but surely they started to feel real to me again. At this point my parents are only about 30 minutes away and I am feeling a lot better now, talking in full sentences and even laughing a bit.
Part 7: Homecoming
My parents finally make it to the hotel and I immediately stand up to hug my brother, my mom and dad. I was so happy to see them because moments ago I did not think I would ever see them again. I changed gathered all my things and went home with them riding back with my mom for the first hour and a half.
I said everything I had to say to my mom and cried all I could to her. I called my sister and cried to her and told her how much her kids meant to me. I messaged all my friends and thanked them for being there for me even though I push them away. We stopped at a gas station so I can get a breather and take a piss and also so I can ride home with my dad because I wanted to talk to him.
I cried to my dad too, I told him how I put on a front around him like I know what I’m doing with my life because I see him and how strong he is every day and it makes me think that I have to be as strong as him. I want him to see how strong I am but I’m not. I told him that I’m lost, that I have no idea what I’m doing with my life and I’m sorry that I’m not living up to his standards. He comforted me and for the first time was vulnerable with me and explained why he has to be strong but that it doesn’t mean that he is never scared or have negative thoughts about himself too.
All in all the ending of the trip was me making amends with everyone I knew and loved and it felt like a start to a new beginning. I slept for 12 hours, didn’t shut eyes until the morning after though. When I woke up I was so grateful to be back in this mortal body.
Also… side note here but this was my mother’s birthday. She spent it driving her son back from a hotel 3 hours away from home, with a girl he was just fucking and tripping his balls off on acid. Yea… sorry momma 🙂
Lastly I learned that happiness is only real when shared.
