Sinking back into this mindset is setting me free. I’ve been mangling myself up with too many people as of late. I’m starting to rub off them and become like them. Nothing against them, I just have a strong pull towards full autonomy. I can feel myself again become of the sole mind. Not breaking myself down to meet a specific perspective I’m looking at myself through. No I can see the entire perspective. I can see who is operating the ship. I can make it conscious. I can begin to do the things I tell myself to do. Ohh that’s the one thing I’d kill for, the complete authority over my body. The thing is I do. I have it. Every decision made was thought of before doing. My anger isn’t towards not being able to maintain full control over myself. It’s over which me is controlling me at what time. I want a specific ego to win. Though all thoughts are mine, some I favor more than others. I wish to make myself realize this now.
There’s always been a war inside of me—one between the versions of myself, the ones I lean toward and the ones I wish to bury. The ones that demand action, and the ones that whisper hesitation. I’ve never doubted my control; I’ve doubted which part of me was in control at any given time.
I see it now—the shifts, the moments when I allow external forces to dictate my pace, when I start responding instead of directing. It happens slowly, a gradual erosion of autonomy. A comment here, a suggestion there. Small, seemingly harmless deviations from the way I know I should operate. But add them up, and suddenly, I’m moving in a rhythm that isn’t mine.
That’s why solitude feels like a reset. A return to the purest form of self-governance. No outside noise, no reflections of myself in others, just the unfiltered, unbroken chain of thought that leads directly to action. That’s what I’ve always been after. The ability to act—not in bursts, not when it’s convenient, but on command, without resistance, without delay.
So now, the focus shifts. The war doesn’t end, but I choose the winner. The hesitation, the dilution of who I am, it dies here. I go forward carrying only what is mine—fully, completely, undeniably in control.
