Your act of complaining does nothing to change what is to come, well that is nothing to change it for the better at least. It can make a simple task seem like a mountain to climb if your imagination is vivid enough. Yours just happens to be vivid enough. You can project a lifetime based on a singer event.
You simulate, what an upcoming event will lead to how will make you feel. All the way to where you will physically end up. Causing relationships to seem like an inevitable end. A fairytale of which you are allowing yourself to be blind to for the time being, simply because you are curious about the feeling you are feeling.
Your problem is that one day you wake up, and those feelings are no longer there. The fairytale you were living ends.
This goes for more than just your relationships, but your dreams and desires. You feel very strongly about a dream you have, and occasionally work towards it. Each time you work towards it you feel it closer to you. However, you latch onto that feeling and make it reality. Leaving behind the source of where the feeling came from in the first place. It’s from you actively working towards that thing you were after.
There is nothing that is free in this world except one’s own ability to act and feel as they see fit. That freedom stems from your own ego. That very thing people like to say is bad and that you shouldn’t let it get hand. That is the cure. Those people are only good for placing you under a category. They look at you and define you, and it is only when you act out of line with that definition they created for you that you are apparently in the wrong.
If you end up in a mixture of emotions, it is because you are allowing outside input into your mental thought portal. Breakdown where any sad thought that comes to your mind actually came from. You will see that most of the ones that arise inner conflict are simply because they were never your own, but rather an opinion of another.
It is good that you understand that much and even gone further to the point where you learned a lot of what was never actually you. The problem is that, as you may have noticed by now, it does not stop. The onslaught of false thoughts to come.
There will be moments of weakness within, where your walls will drop, and in that short moment, everything you had been managing to keep out of your house will enter without your permission. You simply won’t have the energy to combat them in that moment due to having already beaten yourself up.
The trick is to understand what belongs in your house. Knowing yourself to your entirety. Only then, when the dust is settled, and you managed to get back on your feet. Then you will know what is out of place. What doesn’t belong.
That is OK, you will experience that many times along the way. That is why you train the way you do, to keep that clear understanding of who you are no matter how it is you are feeling or what has happened to you.
Soon you will be dead, but if you live your life, well enough, it will feel like an eternity until then.
Carry on living. It is all you have left.
