Back at it now. I took a full week off of training because I tore my back muscle. Honestly I don’t feel like it’s truly healed up yet. It hurts as I go but I honestly can’t not go anymore. Stillness eats at me. Stillness makes me want to self delete. It sure does hurt though. If I have to re open the wound then so be it. I will finish this year with everything done, everything I said I would do done. If I don’t then I’ll just revert back to my old ways. Can’t allow that to happen. Won’t allow that to happen. Whatever it takes to be the person I want to be, that’s what I’ll do. I can ride this pain out. I can make it to the end of the year. There is light, I will find it. Somewhere. Somehow.
I think about what it means to keep going despite the pain. Not just the physical ache that shoots through my back with each movement but the mental toll of knowing I’m deliberately pushing an injured body. Is it foolish? Maybe. But it’s not as foolish as letting all this progress slip through my fingers. The person I was before would have let pain be an excuse, would have given up at the first sign of discomfort. I’ve buried that version of myself. I’m not going to dig him back up now.
I’m finding a rhythm in the pain. It’s strange, almost meditative. I can hear my body screaming at me, warning me to stop, but I tune it out. It’s noise—nothing more. The real voice I’m listening to is quieter, more determined. It’s the voice that reminds me why I started, why I’m here, and why I need to keep going. Pain is temporary, but the version of me I’m building is forever.
Every rep, every step forward is a promise to myself that I won’t quit. I’ve spent too many years breaking promises to myself. That’s not who I am anymore. I’ve changed. The person I want to be isn’t waiting for perfect conditions to show up. He’s here, now, moving forward even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.
I remind myself that this isn’t about today. It’s about what lies on the other side of the struggle. The end of the year isn’t just a deadline—it’s a marker of transformation. If I can cross that line, despite all the setbacks, then I’ll know I’ve truly become the person I’ve been working toward. And if I can do that, then maybe, just maybe, I’ll finally find the light I’ve been chasing all this time.
