This really feels like it’s it, it feels as if I’m nearing the end of knowing myself as how I once knew myself. The acceptance of this death is inevitable, you either go through it in this life or when you die but there is no escape. Currently I’m contemplating the idea that we are forever trapped in a prison. That no matter what we do there is no true free will. The reality is that I am programmed out of the gate with a software I’m not sure I entirely comprehend. This lack of comprehension arises many challenges for me when it comes to completing daily task other than what it is I want to do. I find it hard to connect with others at times, and even when I do it feels like it’s not me talking to them. I feel like I’m a child wearing a disguise so no one irises any suspicion.
The reality I want to create for myself is one that most of the people around me wouldn’t understand. It’s not like it matters if they understand or not, I cant change what they think of me. How am I supposed to show what I have no proof of. There is nothing I can do to show them what I see so it becomes alienating at times. I try to ignore them and combat it with taking myself out to places and talking to people. Some sort of human connection. There are times where I allow myself to go too long without any connection, then I begin to lose sense of reality entirely. I go on walks and sit in my room, late night drives, all just living a complete different existence in my mind. Sometimes it feels so real that I get emotionally invested in the stories i tell myself.
The pain and discomfort of anxiety brings me shivers, especially when you can feel it coming before it comes. Panic attacks are easier to deal with when it’s out of nowhere, at least in my mind it is. For me, what really drags me into the pit is the build up to a delayed panic attack. The slow realization that your breath is off might be enough to pull that key piece out of place, making the floor under me feel as if it’s caving. Sometimes when I try and tell myself that this is just a normal feeling humans feel and there is nothing I can do about it, you know try and remove the whole judgement of the feeling out of the equation. Well sometimes that attempt will lead to the realization that I still have to feel the feeling regardless of the awareness of it. So being the over dramatic self I am, I feel that anxiety down to its roots.
I let it black out the light surrounding me, I let it suffocate my breathing. I let all my fears and worries hit me, beat me, call me names. I let it all fall on me with a smile. Through the smiling I felt tears building up, until the first one fell. The smile is to remind myself that it isn’t that bad, the tear is because it isn’t that bad. The tear knows that this was not the last, or the most difficult thing I will experience.
I don’t know what I hoped to unclog in my head writing this but if its showed me anything its that I’m still in it. I’m still in the abyss, still feeling it. Ive been trying to incorporate rage into my daily life in order to flick off the universe or whatever it is I want to blame for this suffering I’m supposed to feel, but all that does is lead me to sabotage myself.
It is like having a royal boot on the back of my head as my face is being smushed in the dirt. I fight and I fight to get the foot off me until I finally push myself up. Struggling and with rage boiling up I stand up ready to confront the piece of shit holding his foot on my head… only to see a reflection of myself. Smiling, with tears in his eyes.
