Things just once again don’t want to go right for me. Well at least not from the perspective I’ve been looking at things from. It’s just speed bump after speed bump. Always feel like I’m not doing enough. Like I should be doing something more. Maybe that feeling is right I don’t know anymore. Maybe I am just not giving it my all. Well in a weird way I sort of hope I’m right about that. I don’t like thinking that what I’m doing now is all I got. I’m sure I have more in me. I’ve been so tired lately that I tell myself I should rest more and work less. What good will resting do for me though? All it does is speed up the time for the next day to start. For me to start another work day all over again. I rather stay up all night working on my thing and show up to work tired and grumpy. I’m showing up like that even with sleep so why sleep so much then.
It’s frustrating to keep running into walls, especially when you don’t even know if they’re real or imagined. Lately it just feels like life keeps putting detours in front of me, forcing me to slow down, backtrack, or stop altogether. And the worst part is the doubt that creeps in—the thought that maybe this is all I’ve got. Maybe I’ve already hit my ceiling. But I don’t want to believe that. I can’t. If I believe that, then what’s left?
There’s still something in me that believes I haven’t really given everything yet. That somewhere beneath the exhaustion and the repetition, there’s another level I haven’t unlocked. And maybe I’ve been holding out. Maybe I’ve been pacing myself for a future that’s never promised. But right now, the only thing that feels right is to push. To make something—even if I’m tired, even if the rest of the world is asleep.
Because honestly, what does rest get me right now? Just another round of dragging myself through the same loop. If I’m going to feel drained either way, I’d rather it be because I stayed up building something that matters. I’d rather show up exhausted knowing I poured myself into my dream. Sleep can wait. I’ve got work to do. My kind of work.
