“They don’t know anything really.
I like it that way.
It does make it lonely,
but that’s ok.
I’ve learned to be ok with being alone.
Every now and then there are cracks,
breaks in time and character.
A dissolution of who I am.
A resetting of the inner wiring.
It all happens when alone.
When all is quiet,
it all becomes dark.
No matter how much light is out.
It becomes scary that the only resolution is to be scarier.
You become a monster to combat the truth.
You become a monster to combat yourself.”
In the quiet solitude of self-reflection, where the world’s noise fades into a distant echo, we find ourselves face to face with the raw truths of our existence. In these moments, the silence isn’t just a lack of sound; it’s a canvas for the internal dialogues that shape who we are. This is the essence of “The Lapse,” a personal exploration into the depths of solitude and the introspective journey that follows.
“They don’t know anything really. I like it that way.” There’s a certain solace in anonymity, in the freedom that comes from being misunderstood or not understood at all. Yet, this freedom is a double-edged sword. It carves out a space that is uniquely ours, but in this space, we are invariably alone. “It does make it lonely, but that’s ok.” Loneliness becomes a familiar companion, not an enemy. Over time, solitude transforms from a condition to be feared to a state to be cherished.
However, this solitude is not without its trials. “Every now and then there are cracks, breaks in time and character.” These are the moments that test us, where the continuity of who we think we are dissolves, leaving behind the fundamental parts of our being. In these cracks, in these lapses, we meet the parts of ourselves that we’ve hidden away, the parts that frighten us with their intensity and their honesty. “A dissolution of who I am. A resetting of the inner wiring.” It’s a disconcerting process, akin to tearing down a house only to inspect its foundation.
The darkness that envelops these moments isn’t just the absence of light—it’s a manifestation of our deepest fears and unspoken thoughts. “When all is quiet, it all becomes dark. No matter how much light is out.” The darker the mind’s recesses, the more daunting the truths that lurk within. Facing these truths requires more than mere courage; it demands a transformation, often into something formidable and intimidating. “It becomes scary that the only resolution is to be scarier. You become a monster to combat the truth.”
Yet, becoming this ‘monster’ isn’t about losing oneself to fear or becoming something less human; it’s about harnessing the monstrous strength required to confront and control the chaos within. “You become a monster to combat yourself.” This monstrous version of oneself is not a departure from truth but an embodiment of it, a necessary persona to face the echoing truths that rattle the mind.
