What am I afraid of?
I thought this was supposed to be my dream?
Why do I keep tripping over the same stones, over and over again.
I used to think I did it on purpose but now I know, I do it on purpose.
I’m afraid of genuinely trying. Of saying that I care for something adn want to make the effort to grow it.
I care about writing.
To me this is a pathway to the truth. Where I cut out the deceit and just be honest with myself.
I said this was for god, writing every day was meant to satisfy god’s demands of me for my demands on him.
In truth, it’s just for me. I don’t care about anything else but me.
So when I stop myself from doing what I’m supposed to be doing, I don’t stop and think about how what my stopping would mean for others.
In all honesty I could be so much more than I am.
Instead I point fingers. I’m willing to let go of woman that care about me, that I care for, all because I fail to admit my own faults.
It’s not for a lack of time or plan that I’m not where I want to be in life right now. It’s a lack of action. Of just doing the thing.
There is no solution to this that derives from my mind. Over thinking was my problem to begin with.
Think and think until you’re all out of energy and the time for the day has ran out.
You think up masterful plans for the future. Yet leave them vague enough to not describe the actions required in order to get to that future.
You just got to do the work.
You think enough. Shut it off for a moment and work until you are in some other place than this.
Give yourself breathing room by moving through all the walls that stop you.
You spend so much time planning how you’re going to attack what’s on the other side of that wall before you even get there. You have so many walls in front of you and most are put up by yours truly.
The one you’ve been staring at for too long now is the wall of inaction.
How have you managed to change so much and yet not at all at the same time.
Are you really that naive to think that you’re some chosen one, different from the rest. That you don’t need to work hard to get what you want.
Do you really think that you can just think your way out of this?
Well in case you forgot, thinking is what got you stuck where you are in the first place.
Thinking got you to quit on everything you’ve ever done.
Thinking lead you to escape to Europe for 2 months alone.
All you got in return for all your thinking was a return to zero. To nothing.
Writing this won’t matter either. I know you.
You’ll just think of a reason to do it all over again.
You’re caught in the current of your own thoughts and you don’t see it.
That loop of hell you found yourself in when you were on acid, you’re still in it now.
Still repeating the same things over and over again. Wishing for things to change, without lifting a finger to change it.
You have to be the one to make it happen. You have to do it yourself.
